Any time I thought about the situation with Katie, the more I realized, with the insight of friends, that she was controlling everything and that the situation itself was controlling me. So I took it into my own hands. I sat down and put everything I had in my head about our past, present, and future, onto notebook paper. I ended up with a 5 page front and back letter, and I sent it out in the mail to Katie, effectively putting the ball in her court.
Well she finally responded today, confirming everything I thought. She was real nice about it. Told me she loved me as a person, truly hopes i'll be happy. Shes glad I'm doing well. But she doesn't love me that way anymore. She says shes the person she is because of me, shes got nothing but fond memories and is grateful for what ive done for her. She regrets any pain she caused and wishes shed communicated everything to me better. But that it simply couldn't work out.
I respect her decision, you can't force love. I have nothing but fond memories of her, and have never had nor will I ever have any ill will toward her. But the silver lining is that finally I can say it's over, and not dwell on the whole will we won't we thing. I responded to her with nothing but nice things because I still think she's a great person. I told her to live her life, to be happy doing what she loves, surrounding herself with people she loves. I wished her the best in everything, told her my memories of her are nothing but fond as well, and that anybody whos life she touches should consider themselves lucky.
I can't be friends with her. It was a big mountain for me to climb getting used to the idea of not being with her. Afterall, it's all I've known since I was 16. It would be quite another very high mountain for me to climb as a person to be able to be truly happy for her being happy with somebody else. And maybe I'm selfish, but I'm just not there yet as a person. Hopefully someday I will be, and I'll be able to give her a call and tell her I'm happy for her. But not yet, and not soon. I still deep down want her to be happy as a person, because she deserves it. I just need to not have it staring me in the face while I enter the next major phase of my life, and my development as an adult human being.
So that, as they say, is that. It was sad reading the email, but in a different way. I can finally move on. She will always be in my heart, and I can never forget her. I can only hope and pray I find somebody I love that much again, and odds are I will, someday. But as for now, life moves forward again. Until the next life event, livejournal. Thanks for sticking by me.